Why Smart Women Really Have a Tough Time Dating
Dr. Alex Benzer, author of Tao of Dating and Other Wastes of Money has written a relatively uninsightful piece for the Huffington Post about why smart women have a tough time dating. While I don’t think he gets anything wrong, his piece is just pretty bland, uninteresting and superficial. Of course, you can’t expect to get the truth about dating published with the Huffington Post. So, as a supplement to “Dr.” Benzer’s piece, here are five more reasons smart women have trouble dating.
1. They Want to “Date Up.” Many women insist on “dating up” in two categories, education and income. They want a man who is at least as well educated as they are, and who makes more money than they do. Well, smart people tend to be well educated and make more money, so this narrows the fields down pretty quickly. And to worsen the problem, smart men will generally consider a wider range of education and professional backgrounds. Smart women restrict themselves to a smaller pool, but the men in that pool don’t feel obligated to stay in it, so we date women outside of it and there’s not a whole lot left in the pond.
2. They want to “Date Up.” Yeah, we’re still on this. Like I said, most women want to date up, but there’s another reason why this is particularly problematic for smart women. When smart women look for someone as educated as they are and who makes better money, they come across as much more superficial than other women. For the most part, they look at only doctors, lawyers and bankers, and when that’s your pool of potential mates, you look like a gold digging bitch. It might not be the case, but that’s how you’ll come across.
3. They come across as insecure about their smarts. Many smart women are in jobs that are, or traditionally have been, dominated by men. Whether real or imagined, they often feel a need to prove themselves, which includes proving how smart they are. As they say, a rich man doesn’t need to tell you that he’s rich. Same goes for smarts. If you’re intelligent, it will come through naturally. Making an effort to show how smart you are shows you’re insecure about your intelligence; you don’t trust it to show on its own. Not only is insecurity unattractive, but you’ll come across as a try hard and frankly, not that smart.
4. They’re not actually smart, they’re just educated. Going to an Ivy League school does not necessarily mean you’re smart. You can memorize facts and definitions and kill the SATs and even graduate with great grades from a top school but still be dumb as bricks when it comes to things like adapting to a new technology or figuring out that the guy with a wife and a mistress isn’t interested in you.
Education is just a paper in a frame and a line on a resume. Being smart is about observation, analysis, adaptation and innovation. If you were actually smart, you wouldn’t need a psuedo-doctor to tell you what you’re doing wrong. You’d have already figured it out and fixed it.
5. They have a rod up their ass. Benzer gets it right that many smart women don’t play up their feminine side, but ignores the darker part of this. They often are incredibly obsessive about finding men who want them for their intelligence. On the other hand, men don’t really care why a woman is attracted to us (unless it’s for money); we just want a woman who is genuinely attracted to us. The why doesn’t matter.
What makes this one particularly bad is that intelligence on its own is not really that attractive. If your intelligence makes you more able to hold an interesting conversation, or enjoy the nerdy things we like, or suggest a book we’ll love, then it makes you more attractive. But, intelligence can also make you a mindless drone. It’s not raw intelligence but how you apply that matters.
Wondering why there’s a picture of Amanda Bynes in this post? She’s definitely not the model of feminine intelligence. Nope, just a gratuitous hottie. You’re welcome.
PS: If you think of Dr. Benzer as a real doctor, you’re not that smart. He’s a freaking hypnotherapist and neuro-linguistic programming practitioner…meaning he’s just a super-cheesey wannabe pickup artist who calls himself a doctor.